Friday, December 31, 2010

Episode 2

Ok, after the first miscarriage, I went to my parents place to take some rest and shortly after that , I had to travel to the US on official visit, my first trip..I was so expecting this trip and when it was about to happen, I was caught between not knwoing whether to forget the past and look forward to the trip or to grive my loss..Anyways, I flew.After returning, my periods werent regular. Consulted my gynaec (first Dr), over the phone and without even asking any further details, she asked me to come for a scan by thinking aloud that it could be PCOS. I got frustrated that how can a Dr over the phone just by hearing the symptoms and that too, knowing my case and having does ultrasound for more number of times in a month than the number of weeks, all of a sudden claim that I could have it..I didnt visit her later.There ends my association with Dr No:1, Dr.EPS. We also took a battery of tests immediately after the first miscarriage and all reuslts ncluding karyotyping came out normal. 

Months passed, for a month or two, I had abnormal bleeding and I was becoming more weaker and  thats when we decided to consult a Dr. As I was seraching for a gynaec, I came across a colleague of mine in the streets (I used to see this lady fully pregnant, waiting in the bus/auto stop at the same time as me after office. I used to be envious of her, admire her , wistfully long for being pregnant) , introduced myself to her and asked her whom she was consulting. She said she was consulting Dr. NB. I went over to CMH, checked with the receptionist the details of consultation of this Dr and made a personal enquiry to her as to how she was and got the anser that she is the Best in CMH. (I was just soo longing for some positive signals, some assurance, for someone). We consulted her and she prescribed contraceptive pills to regularise my periods and after 3 months, viola, I was pregnant agian. This time,(it was the same time as the winter season now, ) I had been to my parents place for the yearly winter break and was participating in the annula temple festival oevr there. I used to ride a TVS-50 there and i was careful not to ride the vehicle this time. Parents also kept an eye on me that I dont ride in that. Inspite of being cautious, on a particular day , I had to pick up my granny from the temple back home and there were some guests at home and there was a certain chaotic condition that I was forced to ride back home alsong with granny. Returning home, got nice scoldings from paretns. Anyways, all was well so far. Amma somehow felgt I could be pregnant now, so took me to a local Dr , recommened by our then driver , who did a UPT test in the night and declared that I was nt pregnant and that I could wait for another week and re-test again. I was wondering how could the Dr declare the test to have a negative result while I was seeing tow clear pink lines even while the nurse was having the kit before showing to the Dr. I think if things have to go wrong, it will. I was so naive at that point that I didnt even ask the Dr to re-check(Even now, I wonder, if the Dr had detected it to be positive, things could have been different, could have been better). Travelled in an auto and came home gloom all the while amma convincing me and consoling me.
It was time to get back to Blore , and still remember Appa asking me even at the railway station if I would stay back and go a little later. Little did I know that I was going to pay the price for my adamancy and my stupid superstitious beliefs of wanting to stay with the husband on the New years day. I reassured them that all was well and I travelled that night to be greeted by the husband on the New Years day. Office re-opened after the berak and since I didnt get my periods for more than 32 days , went to the Dr, took the UPT, was positive, and immediately started on the progesterone and HCG injections. went to the office for a day or two that week and from next week onwards was at home and on rest. This time, bleeding started after 37 days, and it was less , compared to the previous time. I was rather spotting, not bleeding. Started scans, saw the fetal heart beat, saw the foetus grow every alternate day(yes, we went for scans every alternate day) . During one such visit to the Dr to show her the scan report, she declared that "God is great " , because the foetus seems to be grwoing along with the nromal heart beat inspite of bleeding. She asked me to be on complete rest and possible come over to the hospital and be under the supervision of the nurses and doctors there. I was apprehensive in the beginning about getting admitted in the hospital , but one fine day, when the bleeding didnt stop , we decided to get admitted. I was a bundle of emotions at that time, getting angry with all at home, in hindsight I agree that husband was also going through a emotional roller coaster ride, but at that time, I was so much engulfed by thoughts of myself and the foetus that I refused to sense what my better half was undergoing. It only gave me more irritation when me and his mother expected me to behave nicely to them , I was frustrated as to why they couldnt understand what i was going through even being a witness. A nasty fight broke out before I was wheeled to the hospital . This increased my pressure and stress levels and I was wheeled in to the hospital at this state. In the evening, mil sil came for giving dinner and all 3 of them (mil, sil and the husband) were merrily discussing about what sil's daughter was doing, as to what was dinner, all things sundry . I was lying there almost like a corpse longing for some kind of reassurance that all will be fine and this time, the baby will turn out fine, but my longing stayed with me , while others surrounding me were having a ball in the hospital. Everyone disperesed finally leaving me and the husband. Again a fight broke out as I couldnt control my emotions and I was raging with anger on everyone as they acted oblivious to what was happening to me. They simply didnt care and this careless atitude took a toll on me and it manifested as a fight between me and the better half. As a result of this stress, bleeding continued, increased when the Dr had to be called for an emergeny in the middle of the night . I was so naive at that time, that I didnt even allow her to an internal scan, I was shit scared, The nurse said the Dr might remove any clots during the internal scan, on hearding this I got even more scared and simply didnt co-operate. Dr left informing that she would visit me the next day .

Morning dawned bright, but bleeding continued, from ascan figured out that the heart beat of the foetus was dropping and Dr declared that I go for a D&C. In hindshight , I think the foetus would have decided to get rid of me, this frustrated mother, after sensing all the emotions I went through. There was the end to my second baby.

Not a single day passes by without thinking about all teh good things that could have happened had I stayed back at  my parenst place , had I not fought my my husband, had I not allowed others (mil,sil) to affect my relation with the husband..Knwoing well that these thoughts after the incident are not going to help, but I somehow feel for Baby No:2, I was also partly a reson for causing its miscarriage.

Baby, Please please forgive me for not keeping my cool for your sake during the pregnancy. I pray and hope that your ra ehappy and peaceful wherever you are.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Where to start? - Our story : Part 1

From Where will I start my narration of our journey towards parenthood? There is so much to tell since last 5 years and its high time that I document it..I've been waiting for so long now thinking I would give a detailed version of "our story" once we are blessed with  healthy,happy baby. However, since God has HIS own plans, I shall make an attempt to jot down all that we underwent ,rather undergoing so that our children get to get read this one day and husband and I could even recollect all that we went through during our sunset years..

Rewind back to 2005  : Hubby and I decided to try to procreate and hence we waited with anticipation every month and before we cold realsie, we saw two beautiful pink lines on the Home pregnancy test one fine day ..Joy knew no bounds, my parents and sis started immediately from our native and drove down here to meet , and wish us. It was a very fine weekend. Monday dawned bright, surprisingly with no blues, and while on our way to the office, hubby and I were discussing about maternity leave and I was telling him that I'll be going off to my parents plave before delivery and will be back only after the kid is a few months old and he was like , "No, No, you and our baby are going to be here with me" ..I was extremely happy, but kept it to myself and hence put up a drama saying that girls need the comfort of their parents and the familiarity that parents place would offer and all that stuff..while he rubbished all my statements and said that we were going to be together and my parents could come down here and be with me :-).  Amma called sometime around 11am and gave some advice on what to eat and such which only a mom knows best. All was well till after lunch when I go to the loo and see a bloody tisse on the pot. (Its still a surprise for me as to why I didnt faint!!). I serach for words to describe the emotional upheavel that overruled me then. Called up hubby, who in turn called up Dr who immediately said "probably its gone" in a lower tone, but went ahead and asked me to take rest, eat well, and come and meet her the next day. When I told my mil , she also said "Poiduthu pola irukku"..I hated the whole wide world then..I wanted some affirmation from somewhere telling that all is well and this situation can be dealt with and problem could be solved..But, I couldnt see hopes anywhere..When I met hubby in the evening, he too started calming me down..I wanted to cry , but didnt (I didnt know that time, that this was just the start ) of a prolonged battle between me(us) and ...? (I'm yet to figure out who is the one that is waging a war with it God, is it karma, who are you, please speak up..)

Next morning, we went to the Dr only to surprise the Dr and ourselves that the heart pole along with heart beat was clearly seen in the USG and from there started the medications, : HCG injections, progesterone tablets, along with increased dosage of folic acid. I was aksed to take these tablets , continue fgoing to office and just watch out ..Bleeding continued, went for a csna the second day, heart beat seen, along with a blood clot and was now asked to go back and come for follow up after 4 days..Bleeding was not stopping, went to doctro again only to see th heart beat, growth in the size of the foetus, and all good things that a normla pregnancy should have along with a blood clot. The trips to doctors continued for another week and thats when Dr asked me to be on Bed-rest , say a no to office , stay calm and patient and asked me to come back after a week for a follow up. Went to office , gave the letter to manager (what happened at office is another story for a different day) and came back home to be on complete bed rest , getting up only to visit the loo . Bleeding continued , prayers continued from my end, i patiently waited and waited..In the mean time, my neighbour was also carrying (was on the first trimester) and she suggested that we consult the Dr that she was consulting and recommended her to be a kai-rasi Dr and all that stuff..We booked an appointment with her for a friday evening and before we left home, I visited the rest room to relieve myself and I didnt know at that time that I was also going to relive my baby off me. yes, I did pass a bigger clot this time, could feel the clot coming out of me, could feel the path that it was taking, after releasing it, since was huge, called hubby and told him what heppened. Since he was also inexperienced at that time, he dismissed my idea of taking it out of the pot and shwoing it to the Dr (We didnt know at that time that this was out baby, our first child!!). He was the one who flushed and went to this second Dr. After a long wait, consulted her, she agreed with the medication I was taking nd just changed the doage of one of the medicines. Hubby who was not so convinced about visiting multiple doctors, when we done with the consultation voiced out the reason as to why he was opposed to consulting many doctors,asking which dosage was I going to take, is it the one specified by this doctor or the one prescribed by the first doctor. At this juncture, I became a doctor myself (hardly did I know at that point that it was the beginning of my journey toward becoming a gynaecologist by experience!!) and decided one of the two options we had. Came back home, anf after a day or two , viola, the bleeding stopped and now the prayers continued with "Thanks You" and "Keep my bay safe" and all that ..I was also thinking to myself if I should change the doctor to the second one, as a day or two after consulting with the seocnd Dr, bleeding stopped. Once bleeding stopped, parents were relieved so was mil. (By this time, news on my pregnancy and daily status was updated to all and sundry . So, my condition became a gossip article to all so called relatives).

Two weeks passed and it was time to visit my regular gynaec , and inside the ultrasound room, Dr declared that she ws not able to find any sac and my uterus was clean..Till last time, husband was called inside the usg room to show him the heart beat and now, he was called inside to show that the baby was not to be seen!!

I was shattered and I made a big hue and cry outside the hospital, and attracted an audience. I simply couldnt control my emotions and all that happened right from day one when I found to be pregnant came flashing . I was angry and helpless. I grieved and still grieve the loss of my first baby, my miracle..Baby, I hope you find peace wherever you are.You are the first one who elevated me to the rank of a mother, please do protect your brothers/sisters too . I'm not sure why you ignored me..I'm not sure if you found me evil and cruel that you wanted to get rid of me..Appu, forgive us for all our sins, be happy wheverer you are.

to be continued...

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Sooo loong...

I've been sitting in this current job (seat thechufying) for close to 6 years now and needless to mention, I've gone into a comfort zone, i've become lazy, lethargic, a kind of inertia has set in me. In spite of the many poilitics that is present with in the team and among teams (which company does not have politics inside it??) , one thing that I'm very grateful for is having had good managers (both past and present) especially when it comes to utilising the flexi-time option, they have been amazingly co-operative in allowing me to work from home during all the 3 episodes of mis-carriage, and during all times when I've been in an uncertain state. Thanks R and A.
When this years report card of my performance at office was handed over, I was in for a shock. bcos, I did well this year compared to the previous year, and my manager acknowledged it too. But, why has he not given me a decent bonus or hike? His explanations were rubbish and since then, I'vent been feeling good about work here. So, instead of brooding or whining about the current situation, I've decided to roll up my sleeves and try to come out of the cocoon and search for a different job. (I've been thinking about changing jobs for close to a year now) Though I'm 99% sure that I want a change of job, still some part of me is scared (there, I uttered it out) about adjusting in a new environment given my health situation. I'm not sure of I will get a boss who will be accomodating and grant me WFH at times when it becomes not possible for me to travel to office, at times, when my health goes on astrike . Lets see what plans the Almighty has in for me

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Appu ,
 Wish you a very very Happy Birthday. May you be blessed with good health, happiness and success in all that you do. Appu, we are fortunate for having you in our family. You complete our family and you are a gem!!!
 Wish you all things good!!

yet another new beginnings..

The onlything that seems to come for free in my life is : taking vows/oaths..yes, that too to myslef..For I keep making promises to myslef almost every single day off-late. So, here's another oath, hey this is a serious one and I plan to follow it seriously (when have i made a "not-so-serious" oath, SM??)..I'm gonna keep a tab on the number of times I fight with SS , how ferquently I pount, get into an argument and how frequenctly I'm not-sweet/nice to him. Lets see how I fare..heres to new beginnings this Navratri!


Have you felt the need to just vent /(do not want to use words like vo_ _ it/s_ it) what goes on in your mind to someone else who would lend a ear? I've been itching to do that for quite some time now..Just unable to resist and thereby getting into the negative books of everyone..

After venting out, I'm remembered of this blog, my blog which is the correct and right place to put all that goes in the mind..Bloggie, here I come again for another round of (hopefully) continuous blogging..aka..venting out..

God Bless the one who found blogging!!Jai Ho!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Going Bananas

We have a very small (10ft in length and about a little less than a foot in width) green area in our house. And it has proved itself to be a very fertile patch (Kala Tikka, touch wood!). When we moved into the house, there were a few plants, and one among them was a plantain plant. After we moved in, this plantain plant grew into an adult, multiplied and gave rise to another 2, 2 became 4, then 8 and then we stopped counting..Since they all grew in a cluster, MIL opined that we cut some trees to make way for one tree to give out its "vaazhaithaar". Though I was eager to get a vaazhaithaar and home-grown vaazhaipazhams , the thought of cutting away a few trees didnt go well into me and at all times when discussion came about cutting the trees came up, I either deferred or remained silent or sometimes have told not to do so, or probably we could wait and watch..

The wait wasnt longer, before when the vazhaithaar appeared and one fine day when MIL came home after her regular morning walk, told : "vaazhai kolai pottu iurrku". Joyously I ran outside to check the "kolai" and mentally affirmed myself that "Yes, ask and you shall receive" ,"People might say hundred different things, but if something were to happen, it definitely will", "Yay, our land is fertile and so will I be too:-)" etc..

Row after row, the bananas started showing up, and the flower started withering away as and when a new row of banana showed up, the bananas started growing too, but at some point, they stopped growing..I was very hopeful that feeding it with more water or giving it more time will help, but didnt. When we had to raise our compound wall and this tree which was on its way to giving us bananas was leaning against the wall and the mason said it was mandatory that this tree be removed..I pleaded with him, gave him all possible options in which he could get the job done without causing harm to the tree and finally, he obliged. But, the "thaaar" did not grow into a young adult.

Shortly after this, another tree was on its way to giving out bananas, like the previous tree, this also showed promise, only to be cut away by some stranger.

Now, a third tree has given us this banana, and we have stored it in a not-so-air-tight sack and we are expecting it to ripen. Will update once we have our home-grown-organic banana ready to be consumed. Till then, I'm crossing my fingers that they will ripen and will you also please?

Friday, September 24, 2010

5 things I would like to try ..

This tag has been doing its rounds in the blogosphere, I'm taking this tag upon myself and doing it..This tag has come at the right time, for I've just now started (atleast in thought) thinking about living the life I've been blessed with instead of whining or waiting for the miracle to happen.

Here they go:

1) I want to learn to drive, a car that is. Having learnt to drive a two wheeler at the tender age of 13, I've driven a TVS50 with  5 people in it..Yes , I'm not kidding, but 5 of them including me. The rest 4 were kinda kidoos, in the age group 7-9. I've dreamt of owning a car, and driving to office myslef in it. I did go to the driving school and have a driving license, but never got around practising driving and I'm scared of the 4 wheeler. I want to get rid of this fear and be able to comfortable zip around in the city.

2) I have a desire to learn some from of painting, fabric, glass, anything ..I would liek to develop interest in painting. I've always scored low in Biology at school, thanks to my drawing skills..My bio teacher has ridiculed me many times for the wonderful drawing I've produced on record sheets in the 10th Std. since then, an impression that I cannot draw or paint or involve myself in arts and crafts have gone deep down inside me and over a period of time, I have even stopped admiring good paintings for it will bring about a kind of depression in me that I cannot even draw a simple diagram effectively. Now, I want to roll my sleeves and give it a try..I want to change what I'm thinking of myself. I want to learn some form of painting.

3) Knitting: I want to be able to knit little socks, sweaters for my little one to-be. The love and affection that one can feel on wearing a clothing made by a loved one simply cannot be described.I would shower such love and affection to my lil one.

4) Learn to swim. During undergrad days, I had the opportunity to learn for a mere 100 bucks for a semester. I didnt utilise that for the tan (oh, was I that skin/complexion conscious then?), for the unshaved arms and legs, for having to wear swim suit, for the various stories I've heard about the swimming teacher and looking back now, I'm feeling how silly these reasons are. However, better late than never, hence plan to enrol for a swimming class.

5) Exercise: Though I excercise whenever I feel like it, I would liek to be a regular in doing yoga and especially do it with full concenteration. I've hardly been able to concenterate on the yogasanas that I do. I would like to involve and enjoy myself while doing yoga and do it regularly.

Will update as and when I achieve some sort of a milestone in any of these.

Happy Friday and Have a Good Weekend ahead!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Why am I a sucker for

happy endings? Are you one too? Read "Sands of Time" over the long weekend and as I was nearing the end, something at the back of my mind kept hoping and wanting for Jaime to marry Megan, for Rubio to marry Lucia and for Ricardo to be wedded to Graciela...Secretly, I aslo wished if the novel would extend and narate events from their marriage, their kids, their growing up, the no adults becoming old etc..Probably , I'd watched too much of Soundarya-Ashwin's wedding which made me want more and more wedding events..


Yes, I crave for happy endings, I long to see light at the end of the tunnel, both in real life and in fiction, I dream about "And they lived happily ever after" ..I know who would not want to have a happy, coola nd peaceful life..If you are a sucker for happy endings , happy beginnings and everything wonderful in between, do drop a comment..

A Friend in a need..

is a freind indeed..

This age old saying hold true even today and it will hold true for many many light years to come.
It requires a seperate post to tell how our friendship was formed and how I was quite reluctant to be friends with B and how B continues to extend his unfilching support at all times to me inspite of me ignoring him.

B, I'm glad that we are friends..The flood gates opened today when B and I went for a tea break and I count my blessings for having an awesome well wisher in you. It feels good to know that I'm cared for inspite of the grinding routines that you have. It feels good to talk all the jumbled thoughts that criss-cross every second in the mind..It definitely feels good when someone echoes my thoughts, and it feels double good when I hear an idea/suggestion/opinion different from mine so that I get to open my mind and receive it and ponder about it..(Otherwise, if it doesnt come from anyone,  I keep thinking that the decision that I make is the right and best one). It is quite a blessing when someone patiently listens to all that I want to vent out and try to boost my faith and fill me with optimism. Thank you B ,I'm sure all our prayeers are going to be answered very soon.

After a long time

watched a movie..almost fully ..JayamKondaan

Have watched a part of the first part sometime ago and found it boring..But, the rest of the movie which I happened to watch y'day seemed interesting..Atleast, I sat through it..Usually, these days, I loose patience while watching any of these Kollywood/Bollywood movies..Similar stories, withe the same old mix of masala,songs,fight..So, its been really long since I sat through a movie completely.Heres to new beginnings in this front too..

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Everthing Positive

Just after I clicked on "publish post" of the previous post I'd written, I continued blog-hopping and this time, it was to one of my favourite bloggers, Preeti Shenoy of
In there, I saw :
                        Thoughts have a power. Ideas have a power. Believe and you shall achieve.

Thank you Preethi for sharing the story of Graham Miles ( . Yes, I'm going to be positive all the time..Atleast, I'm going to try. I've taken this oath many many times off-late, but still, its quite a challenge to be optimistic always, correct? However, it is also not a wrong thing to take this oath many times. Atleast, these oaths can serve as check points. Yes, I'm going to think, dream, visualise only good stuff. Here's to good, new and positive beginnings..Cheers!

In search of...

I'm a blog addict. There, I said it . I have spent many many hours on the net blog hopping, especially to moomy blogs . While I enjoy reading the antics that kids do, the writing skills, creativity that these mommy bloggers posses, somewhere deep within, I 'm searching..I'm seraching for those who had a hard time to have their lil bundle of joy, but then, all their hardships in this endeavour had happy endings..Yes, it's very very difficult being positive all the time 24/7 and many times, I'm in the look out for happy-ending stories, drawing inspiration , hope and confidence from them. I'm in the look out for some optimistic sign that fills me with some amount of positivity (at least for that moment). Anyone who has had miscarraiges, who had to undergo test after test only to find that all tests are normal, anyone who has waited month after month hoping this cycle the pregnancy will click will understand the need for some assurance, grip, a hold-on..
I do have a lot of posts in my head which I plan to write down one after another, but why am I writing this one all of a sudden? Because, I came across a blog site and started reading it, and when in the forst few posts, there was no mention of a baby , but the writing conveyed that the person belonged to Chennai, a Tamilian, married for long, I started reading further and somewhere down the line, found that this lady is a proud mother of a gorgeous baby boy and is now planning to have a second one(may you succeed sooner), but, something triggered me to go further down the archives. I figured that she had the baby after many years of marriage. In the meantime, I'd arrived at her first post. Why did I do this? What am I searching for?  I'm searching for someone or something that can boost up my optimism, restore my faith when it ebbs. Today is one such day where I've been travelling from optimism to negativity, back and forth, not knowing where to kep my faith on. I sincerely hope and pray this is just a passing phase and I emerge out of this successfully.

New addition and New beginnings

We had a new addition to our family on 27th June 2010 and since then, he has wrapped us around him and we have forgotten what it was like before he came to be with us. SB and I literally hunted the city to find a suitable and best cradle for him, we bought lots of clothes for him, we played with him in the wee hours of the night, we made sure he is safe , doesnt fall down inadvertently, we fed him well, and in effect, we totally forgot what we did before his entry. Thank you Almighty for having blessed us , Thank you Pod, for having agreed to come to us. Here is a his pic:

Yes, if an Ipod can cause such an impact in our lives, have no words to describe all the joys that our cute lil baby will bring in.  Junior SB, cant wait to see you and have you in our lives. Please come soon, dearest..

P.S: Above, when I say " what we did before his entry", I mean how did we time-pass earlier? I know both SB and I read, we nap , watch TV, surf the net, go out , but still , the question arises..

Eid Mubarak and Happy Vinayaka Chaturthi

The newspaper says that it is very rare that these two festivals fall on the same day and this year, these two festivals fall today. Let us wish this year brings in prosperity to each and every one of us.
While growing up, I remember my star birthday also coinciding with Vinayaka Chathurthi, that means double fun and celebration. Appa and I (and sometimes sis too) used to go to the market the morning of Ganesh Chathurthi with a palagai (on which mom would have put ezhai kolam), buy a clay Ganesha, scout for a Pillayar Kodai throughout the market (It was difficult to spot shops selling pillayar kodai in our town), buy the other stuff in the list Amma would have given, and do a careful ride back home (careful, because the clay in the pillayar should not rub off on Appa's shirt). We would then decorate the Lord aith the arugampul maalai, another maalai whose name doesn't come to my mind now, and once the neivethyams are ready, Appa would do a pooja of the Lord and then we would sit for the feast that Amma would have toiled upon since the early hours of morning. A holiday is incomplete without a nice siesta after a sumptuous lunch.
Now, post marriage, I get to help Mil in the kitchen in preparing Kozhakattais (both sweet and salt), appam, vadai, payasam in addition to the regular meal. This year, we brought home clay made Lord Ganesha and SB performed the pooja. We made all the above stuff for neivedhyam and offered our prayers to the Almighty.
Being with my brother during Eid in 2006, I also got to know the rituals that are followed during the holy month of Ramadaan and got to taste the Sevvaaiya that is prepared on Eid.
Lord Vinayaka, as we all know, is the Lord who clears obstacles in anything and everything. Thats the reason why He is worshipped first in every pooja or homam in the hindu culture. May the Lord remove all obstacles and bless us abundantly this year.
Also would like to wish our car a very Happy Birthday. SB bought this car on the day of Lord's birthday in 2003 and I would like to thank our car which has served us all these years and is a part of our familty too. TI, you have kept us safe and sound under your roof and I'm grateful to the Lord and to you.