From Where will I start my narration of our journey towards parenthood? There is so much to tell since last 5 years and its high time that I document it..I've been waiting for so long now thinking I would give a detailed version of "our story" once we are blessed with healthy,happy baby. However, since God has HIS own plans, I shall make an attempt to jot down all that we underwent ,rather undergoing so that our children get to get read this one day and husband and I could even recollect all that we went through during our sunset years..
Rewind back to 2005 : Hubby and I decided to try to procreate and hence we waited with anticipation every month and before we cold realsie, we saw two beautiful pink lines on the Home pregnancy test one fine day ..Joy knew no bounds, my parents and sis started immediately from our native and drove down here to meet , and wish us. It was a very fine weekend. Monday dawned bright, surprisingly with no blues, and while on our way to the office, hubby and I were discussing about maternity leave and I was telling him that I'll be going off to my parents plave before delivery and will be back only after the kid is a few months old and he was like , "No, No, you and our baby are going to be here with me" ..I was extremely happy, but kept it to myself and hence put up a drama saying that girls need the comfort of their parents and the familiarity that parents place would offer and all that stuff..while he rubbished all my statements and said that we were going to be together and my parents could come down here and be with me :-). Amma called sometime around 11am and gave some advice on what to eat and such which only a mom knows best. All was well till after lunch when I go to the loo and see a bloody tisse on the pot. (Its still a surprise for me as to why I didnt faint!!). I serach for words to describe the emotional upheavel that overruled me then. Called up hubby, who in turn called up Dr who immediately said "probably its gone" in a lower tone, but went ahead and asked me to take rest, eat well, and come and meet her the next day. When I told my mil , she also said "Poiduthu pola irukku"..I hated the whole wide world then..I wanted some affirmation from somewhere telling that all is well and this situation can be dealt with and problem could be solved..But, I couldnt see hopes anywhere..When I met hubby in the evening, he too started calming me down..I wanted to cry , but didnt (I didnt know that time, that this was just the start ) of a prolonged battle between me(us) and ...? (I'm yet to figure out who is the one that is waging a war with me.is it God, is it karma, who are you, please speak up..)
Next morning, we went to the Dr only to surprise the Dr and ourselves that the heart pole along with heart beat was clearly seen in the USG and from there started the medications, : HCG injections, progesterone tablets, along with increased dosage of folic acid. I was aksed to take these tablets , continue fgoing to office and just watch out ..Bleeding continued, went for a csna the second day, heart beat seen, along with a blood clot and was now asked to go back and come for follow up after 4 days..Bleeding was not stopping, went to doctro again only to see th heart beat, growth in the size of the foetus, and all good things that a normla pregnancy should have along with a blood clot. The trips to doctors continued for another week and thats when Dr asked me to be on Bed-rest , say a no to office , stay calm and patient and asked me to come back after a week for a follow up. Went to office , gave the letter to manager (what happened at office is another story for a different day) and came back home to be on complete bed rest , getting up only to visit the loo . Bleeding continued , prayers continued from my end, i patiently waited and waited..In the mean time, my neighbour was also carrying (was on the first trimester) and she suggested that we consult the Dr that she was consulting and recommended her to be a kai-rasi Dr and all that stuff..We booked an appointment with her for a friday evening and before we left home, I visited the rest room to relieve myself and I didnt know at that time that I was also going to relive my baby off me. yes, I did pass a bigger clot this time, could feel the clot coming out of me, could feel the path that it was taking, after releasing it, since was huge, called hubby and told him what heppened. Since he was also inexperienced at that time, he dismissed my idea of taking it out of the pot and shwoing it to the Dr (We didnt know at that time that this was out baby, our first child!!). He was the one who flushed and went to this second Dr. After a long wait, consulted her, she agreed with the medication I was taking nd just changed the doage of one of the medicines. Hubby who was not so convinced about visiting multiple doctors, when we done with the consultation voiced out the reason as to why he was opposed to consulting many doctors,asking which dosage was I going to take, is it the one specified by this doctor or the one prescribed by the first doctor. At this juncture, I became a doctor myself (hardly did I know at that point that it was the beginning of my journey toward becoming a gynaecologist by experience!!) and decided one of the two options we had. Came back home, anf after a day or two , viola, the bleeding stopped and now the prayers continued with "Thanks You" and "Keep my bay safe" and all that ..I was also thinking to myself if I should change the doctor to the second one, as a day or two after consulting with the seocnd Dr, bleeding stopped. Once bleeding stopped, parents were relieved so was mil. (By this time, news on my pregnancy and daily status was updated to all and sundry . So, my condition became a gossip article to all so called relatives).
Two weeks passed and it was time to visit my regular gynaec , and inside the ultrasound room, Dr declared that she ws not able to find any sac and my uterus was clean..Till last time, husband was called inside the usg room to show him the heart beat and now, he was called inside to show that the baby was not to be seen!!
I was shattered and I made a big hue and cry outside the hospital, and attracted an audience. I simply couldnt control my emotions and all that happened right from day one when I found to be pregnant came flashing . I was angry and helpless. I grieved and still grieve the loss of my first baby, my miracle..Baby, I hope you find peace wherever you are.You are the first one who elevated me to the rank of a mother, please do protect your brothers/sisters too . I'm not sure why you ignored me..I'm not sure if you found me evil and cruel that you wanted to get rid of me..Appu, forgive us for all our sins, be happy wheverer you are.
to be continued...