Friday, December 31, 2010

Episode 2

Ok, after the first miscarriage, I went to my parents place to take some rest and shortly after that , I had to travel to the US on official visit, my first trip..I was so expecting this trip and when it was about to happen, I was caught between not knwoing whether to forget the past and look forward to the trip or to grive my loss..Anyways, I flew.After returning, my periods werent regular. Consulted my gynaec (first Dr), over the phone and without even asking any further details, she asked me to come for a scan by thinking aloud that it could be PCOS. I got frustrated that how can a Dr over the phone just by hearing the symptoms and that too, knowing my case and having does ultrasound for more number of times in a month than the number of weeks, all of a sudden claim that I could have it..I didnt visit her later.There ends my association with Dr No:1, Dr.EPS. We also took a battery of tests immediately after the first miscarriage and all reuslts ncluding karyotyping came out normal. 

Months passed, for a month or two, I had abnormal bleeding and I was becoming more weaker and  thats when we decided to consult a Dr. As I was seraching for a gynaec, I came across a colleague of mine in the streets (I used to see this lady fully pregnant, waiting in the bus/auto stop at the same time as me after office. I used to be envious of her, admire her , wistfully long for being pregnant) , introduced myself to her and asked her whom she was consulting. She said she was consulting Dr. NB. I went over to CMH, checked with the receptionist the details of consultation of this Dr and made a personal enquiry to her as to how she was and got the anser that she is the Best in CMH. (I was just soo longing for some positive signals, some assurance, for someone). We consulted her and she prescribed contraceptive pills to regularise my periods and after 3 months, viola, I was pregnant agian. This time,(it was the same time as the winter season now, ) I had been to my parents place for the yearly winter break and was participating in the annula temple festival oevr there. I used to ride a TVS-50 there and i was careful not to ride the vehicle this time. Parents also kept an eye on me that I dont ride in that. Inspite of being cautious, on a particular day , I had to pick up my granny from the temple back home and there were some guests at home and there was a certain chaotic condition that I was forced to ride back home alsong with granny. Returning home, got nice scoldings from paretns. Anyways, all was well so far. Amma somehow felgt I could be pregnant now, so took me to a local Dr , recommened by our then driver , who did a UPT test in the night and declared that I was nt pregnant and that I could wait for another week and re-test again. I was wondering how could the Dr declare the test to have a negative result while I was seeing tow clear pink lines even while the nurse was having the kit before showing to the Dr. I think if things have to go wrong, it will. I was so naive at that point that I didnt even ask the Dr to re-check(Even now, I wonder, if the Dr had detected it to be positive, things could have been different, could have been better). Travelled in an auto and came home gloom all the while amma convincing me and consoling me.
It was time to get back to Blore , and still remember Appa asking me even at the railway station if I would stay back and go a little later. Little did I know that I was going to pay the price for my adamancy and my stupid superstitious beliefs of wanting to stay with the husband on the New years day. I reassured them that all was well and I travelled that night to be greeted by the husband on the New Years day. Office re-opened after the berak and since I didnt get my periods for more than 32 days , went to the Dr, took the UPT, was positive, and immediately started on the progesterone and HCG injections. went to the office for a day or two that week and from next week onwards was at home and on rest. This time, bleeding started after 37 days, and it was less , compared to the previous time. I was rather spotting, not bleeding. Started scans, saw the fetal heart beat, saw the foetus grow every alternate day(yes, we went for scans every alternate day) . During one such visit to the Dr to show her the scan report, she declared that "God is great " , because the foetus seems to be grwoing along with the nromal heart beat inspite of bleeding. She asked me to be on complete rest and possible come over to the hospital and be under the supervision of the nurses and doctors there. I was apprehensive in the beginning about getting admitted in the hospital , but one fine day, when the bleeding didnt stop , we decided to get admitted. I was a bundle of emotions at that time, getting angry with all at home, in hindsight I agree that husband was also going through a emotional roller coaster ride, but at that time, I was so much engulfed by thoughts of myself and the foetus that I refused to sense what my better half was undergoing. It only gave me more irritation when me and his mother expected me to behave nicely to them , I was frustrated as to why they couldnt understand what i was going through even being a witness. A nasty fight broke out before I was wheeled to the hospital . This increased my pressure and stress levels and I was wheeled in to the hospital at this state. In the evening, mil sil came for giving dinner and all 3 of them (mil, sil and the husband) were merrily discussing about what sil's daughter was doing, as to what was dinner, all things sundry . I was lying there almost like a corpse longing for some kind of reassurance that all will be fine and this time, the baby will turn out fine, but my longing stayed with me , while others surrounding me were having a ball in the hospital. Everyone disperesed finally leaving me and the husband. Again a fight broke out as I couldnt control my emotions and I was raging with anger on everyone as they acted oblivious to what was happening to me. They simply didnt care and this careless atitude took a toll on me and it manifested as a fight between me and the better half. As a result of this stress, bleeding continued, increased when the Dr had to be called for an emergeny in the middle of the night . I was so naive at that time, that I didnt even allow her to an internal scan, I was shit scared, The nurse said the Dr might remove any clots during the internal scan, on hearding this I got even more scared and simply didnt co-operate. Dr left informing that she would visit me the next day .

Morning dawned bright, but bleeding continued, from ascan figured out that the heart beat of the foetus was dropping and Dr declared that I go for a D&C. In hindshight , I think the foetus would have decided to get rid of me, this frustrated mother, after sensing all the emotions I went through. There was the end to my second baby.

Not a single day passes by without thinking about all teh good things that could have happened had I stayed back at  my parenst place , had I not fought my my husband, had I not allowed others (mil,sil) to affect my relation with the husband..Knwoing well that these thoughts after the incident are not going to help, but I somehow feel for Baby No:2, I was also partly a reson for causing its miscarriage.

Baby, Please please forgive me for not keeping my cool for your sake during the pregnancy. I pray and hope that your ra ehappy and peaceful wherever you are.

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