Friday, December 31, 2010

Episode 2

Ok, after the first miscarriage, I went to my parents place to take some rest and shortly after that , I had to travel to the US on official visit, my first trip..I was so expecting this trip and when it was about to happen, I was caught between not knwoing whether to forget the past and look forward to the trip or to grive my loss..Anyways, I flew.After returning, my periods werent regular. Consulted my gynaec (first Dr), over the phone and without even asking any further details, she asked me to come for a scan by thinking aloud that it could be PCOS. I got frustrated that how can a Dr over the phone just by hearing the symptoms and that too, knowing my case and having does ultrasound for more number of times in a month than the number of weeks, all of a sudden claim that I could have it..I didnt visit her later.There ends my association with Dr No:1, Dr.EPS. We also took a battery of tests immediately after the first miscarriage and all reuslts ncluding karyotyping came out normal. 

Months passed, for a month or two, I had abnormal bleeding and I was becoming more weaker and  thats when we decided to consult a Dr. As I was seraching for a gynaec, I came across a colleague of mine in the streets (I used to see this lady fully pregnant, waiting in the bus/auto stop at the same time as me after office. I used to be envious of her, admire her , wistfully long for being pregnant) , introduced myself to her and asked her whom she was consulting. She said she was consulting Dr. NB. I went over to CMH, checked with the receptionist the details of consultation of this Dr and made a personal enquiry to her as to how she was and got the anser that she is the Best in CMH. (I was just soo longing for some positive signals, some assurance, for someone). We consulted her and she prescribed contraceptive pills to regularise my periods and after 3 months, viola, I was pregnant agian. This time,(it was the same time as the winter season now, ) I had been to my parents place for the yearly winter break and was participating in the annula temple festival oevr there. I used to ride a TVS-50 there and i was careful not to ride the vehicle this time. Parents also kept an eye on me that I dont ride in that. Inspite of being cautious, on a particular day , I had to pick up my granny from the temple back home and there were some guests at home and there was a certain chaotic condition that I was forced to ride back home alsong with granny. Returning home, got nice scoldings from paretns. Anyways, all was well so far. Amma somehow felgt I could be pregnant now, so took me to a local Dr , recommened by our then driver , who did a UPT test in the night and declared that I was nt pregnant and that I could wait for another week and re-test again. I was wondering how could the Dr declare the test to have a negative result while I was seeing tow clear pink lines even while the nurse was having the kit before showing to the Dr. I think if things have to go wrong, it will. I was so naive at that point that I didnt even ask the Dr to re-check(Even now, I wonder, if the Dr had detected it to be positive, things could have been different, could have been better). Travelled in an auto and came home gloom all the while amma convincing me and consoling me.
It was time to get back to Blore , and still remember Appa asking me even at the railway station if I would stay back and go a little later. Little did I know that I was going to pay the price for my adamancy and my stupid superstitious beliefs of wanting to stay with the husband on the New years day. I reassured them that all was well and I travelled that night to be greeted by the husband on the New Years day. Office re-opened after the berak and since I didnt get my periods for more than 32 days , went to the Dr, took the UPT, was positive, and immediately started on the progesterone and HCG injections. went to the office for a day or two that week and from next week onwards was at home and on rest. This time, bleeding started after 37 days, and it was less , compared to the previous time. I was rather spotting, not bleeding. Started scans, saw the fetal heart beat, saw the foetus grow every alternate day(yes, we went for scans every alternate day) . During one such visit to the Dr to show her the scan report, she declared that "God is great " , because the foetus seems to be grwoing along with the nromal heart beat inspite of bleeding. She asked me to be on complete rest and possible come over to the hospital and be under the supervision of the nurses and doctors there. I was apprehensive in the beginning about getting admitted in the hospital , but one fine day, when the bleeding didnt stop , we decided to get admitted. I was a bundle of emotions at that time, getting angry with all at home, in hindsight I agree that husband was also going through a emotional roller coaster ride, but at that time, I was so much engulfed by thoughts of myself and the foetus that I refused to sense what my better half was undergoing. It only gave me more irritation when me and his mother expected me to behave nicely to them , I was frustrated as to why they couldnt understand what i was going through even being a witness. A nasty fight broke out before I was wheeled to the hospital . This increased my pressure and stress levels and I was wheeled in to the hospital at this state. In the evening, mil sil came for giving dinner and all 3 of them (mil, sil and the husband) were merrily discussing about what sil's daughter was doing, as to what was dinner, all things sundry . I was lying there almost like a corpse longing for some kind of reassurance that all will be fine and this time, the baby will turn out fine, but my longing stayed with me , while others surrounding me were having a ball in the hospital. Everyone disperesed finally leaving me and the husband. Again a fight broke out as I couldnt control my emotions and I was raging with anger on everyone as they acted oblivious to what was happening to me. They simply didnt care and this careless atitude took a toll on me and it manifested as a fight between me and the better half. As a result of this stress, bleeding continued, increased when the Dr had to be called for an emergeny in the middle of the night . I was so naive at that time, that I didnt even allow her to an internal scan, I was shit scared, The nurse said the Dr might remove any clots during the internal scan, on hearding this I got even more scared and simply didnt co-operate. Dr left informing that she would visit me the next day .

Morning dawned bright, but bleeding continued, from ascan figured out that the heart beat of the foetus was dropping and Dr declared that I go for a D&C. In hindshight , I think the foetus would have decided to get rid of me, this frustrated mother, after sensing all the emotions I went through. There was the end to my second baby.

Not a single day passes by without thinking about all teh good things that could have happened had I stayed back at  my parenst place , had I not fought my my husband, had I not allowed others (mil,sil) to affect my relation with the husband..Knwoing well that these thoughts after the incident are not going to help, but I somehow feel for Baby No:2, I was also partly a reson for causing its miscarriage.

Baby, Please please forgive me for not keeping my cool for your sake during the pregnancy. I pray and hope that your ra ehappy and peaceful wherever you are.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Where to start? - Our story : Part 1

From Where will I start my narration of our journey towards parenthood? There is so much to tell since last 5 years and its high time that I document it..I've been waiting for so long now thinking I would give a detailed version of "our story" once we are blessed with  healthy,happy baby. However, since God has HIS own plans, I shall make an attempt to jot down all that we underwent ,rather undergoing so that our children get to get read this one day and husband and I could even recollect all that we went through during our sunset years..

Rewind back to 2005  : Hubby and I decided to try to procreate and hence we waited with anticipation every month and before we cold realsie, we saw two beautiful pink lines on the Home pregnancy test one fine day ..Joy knew no bounds, my parents and sis started immediately from our native and drove down here to meet , and wish us. It was a very fine weekend. Monday dawned bright, surprisingly with no blues, and while on our way to the office, hubby and I were discussing about maternity leave and I was telling him that I'll be going off to my parents plave before delivery and will be back only after the kid is a few months old and he was like , "No, No, you and our baby are going to be here with me" ..I was extremely happy, but kept it to myself and hence put up a drama saying that girls need the comfort of their parents and the familiarity that parents place would offer and all that stuff..while he rubbished all my statements and said that we were going to be together and my parents could come down here and be with me :-).  Amma called sometime around 11am and gave some advice on what to eat and such which only a mom knows best. All was well till after lunch when I go to the loo and see a bloody tisse on the pot. (Its still a surprise for me as to why I didnt faint!!). I serach for words to describe the emotional upheavel that overruled me then. Called up hubby, who in turn called up Dr who immediately said "probably its gone" in a lower tone, but went ahead and asked me to take rest, eat well, and come and meet her the next day. When I told my mil , she also said "Poiduthu pola irukku"..I hated the whole wide world then..I wanted some affirmation from somewhere telling that all is well and this situation can be dealt with and problem could be solved..But, I couldnt see hopes anywhere..When I met hubby in the evening, he too started calming me down..I wanted to cry , but didnt (I didnt know that time, that this was just the start ) of a prolonged battle between me(us) and ...? (I'm yet to figure out who is the one that is waging a war with it God, is it karma, who are you, please speak up..)

Next morning, we went to the Dr only to surprise the Dr and ourselves that the heart pole along with heart beat was clearly seen in the USG and from there started the medications, : HCG injections, progesterone tablets, along with increased dosage of folic acid. I was aksed to take these tablets , continue fgoing to office and just watch out ..Bleeding continued, went for a csna the second day, heart beat seen, along with a blood clot and was now asked to go back and come for follow up after 4 days..Bleeding was not stopping, went to doctro again only to see th heart beat, growth in the size of the foetus, and all good things that a normla pregnancy should have along with a blood clot. The trips to doctors continued for another week and thats when Dr asked me to be on Bed-rest , say a no to office , stay calm and patient and asked me to come back after a week for a follow up. Went to office , gave the letter to manager (what happened at office is another story for a different day) and came back home to be on complete bed rest , getting up only to visit the loo . Bleeding continued , prayers continued from my end, i patiently waited and waited..In the mean time, my neighbour was also carrying (was on the first trimester) and she suggested that we consult the Dr that she was consulting and recommended her to be a kai-rasi Dr and all that stuff..We booked an appointment with her for a friday evening and before we left home, I visited the rest room to relieve myself and I didnt know at that time that I was also going to relive my baby off me. yes, I did pass a bigger clot this time, could feel the clot coming out of me, could feel the path that it was taking, after releasing it, since was huge, called hubby and told him what heppened. Since he was also inexperienced at that time, he dismissed my idea of taking it out of the pot and shwoing it to the Dr (We didnt know at that time that this was out baby, our first child!!). He was the one who flushed and went to this second Dr. After a long wait, consulted her, she agreed with the medication I was taking nd just changed the doage of one of the medicines. Hubby who was not so convinced about visiting multiple doctors, when we done with the consultation voiced out the reason as to why he was opposed to consulting many doctors,asking which dosage was I going to take, is it the one specified by this doctor or the one prescribed by the first doctor. At this juncture, I became a doctor myself (hardly did I know at that point that it was the beginning of my journey toward becoming a gynaecologist by experience!!) and decided one of the two options we had. Came back home, anf after a day or two , viola, the bleeding stopped and now the prayers continued with "Thanks You" and "Keep my bay safe" and all that ..I was also thinking to myself if I should change the doctor to the second one, as a day or two after consulting with the seocnd Dr, bleeding stopped. Once bleeding stopped, parents were relieved so was mil. (By this time, news on my pregnancy and daily status was updated to all and sundry . So, my condition became a gossip article to all so called relatives).

Two weeks passed and it was time to visit my regular gynaec , and inside the ultrasound room, Dr declared that she ws not able to find any sac and my uterus was clean..Till last time, husband was called inside the usg room to show him the heart beat and now, he was called inside to show that the baby was not to be seen!!

I was shattered and I made a big hue and cry outside the hospital, and attracted an audience. I simply couldnt control my emotions and all that happened right from day one when I found to be pregnant came flashing . I was angry and helpless. I grieved and still grieve the loss of my first baby, my miracle..Baby, I hope you find peace wherever you are.You are the first one who elevated me to the rank of a mother, please do protect your brothers/sisters too . I'm not sure why you ignored me..I'm not sure if you found me evil and cruel that you wanted to get rid of me..Appu, forgive us for all our sins, be happy wheverer you are.

to be continued...

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Sooo loong...

I've been sitting in this current job (seat thechufying) for close to 6 years now and needless to mention, I've gone into a comfort zone, i've become lazy, lethargic, a kind of inertia has set in me. In spite of the many poilitics that is present with in the team and among teams (which company does not have politics inside it??) , one thing that I'm very grateful for is having had good managers (both past and present) especially when it comes to utilising the flexi-time option, they have been amazingly co-operative in allowing me to work from home during all the 3 episodes of mis-carriage, and during all times when I've been in an uncertain state. Thanks R and A.
When this years report card of my performance at office was handed over, I was in for a shock. bcos, I did well this year compared to the previous year, and my manager acknowledged it too. But, why has he not given me a decent bonus or hike? His explanations were rubbish and since then, I'vent been feeling good about work here. So, instead of brooding or whining about the current situation, I've decided to roll up my sleeves and try to come out of the cocoon and search for a different job. (I've been thinking about changing jobs for close to a year now) Though I'm 99% sure that I want a change of job, still some part of me is scared (there, I uttered it out) about adjusting in a new environment given my health situation. I'm not sure of I will get a boss who will be accomodating and grant me WFH at times when it becomes not possible for me to travel to office, at times, when my health goes on astrike . Lets see what plans the Almighty has in for me