Feeling terrible today..

Scolded Ajju today. Well, if I have to be honest to myself, this is not the first time..Last 2 months, I have been losing my patience over the antics and tantrums (that seem simple now in hindsight) of the little darling..A lot of things happening at the same time is overwhelming me and I lose my patience on the little brat. After all the stress settles down, I do realise that she is way way better than all the tantrums that I have done and still do to my parents. Inspire of taking a resolution umpteen times that I will control my stress/anger, will not show it on her, will be patient with her even if she tests my patience, will control my mouth, will zip my mouth, etc, I still fail..Just as I have failed today. I'm feeling very terrible. I think I'm the worst mother in the whole wide world. Seriously, which child does not test his/her parents patience? Aren't all the mother's being patient and dealing with their children? Why can't I be nice with my daughter? Why am I not able to come trolley my temper? Why am I not learning from my mistakes and committing the same mistake over and over? When will I ever learn? Will I ever? 

This is the last and final warning for myself. I want to change .. Sincerely I want to change in this aspect. I've put this down here so that next time if at all I misbehave,  I really don't know how I'm going to punish myself.. Universe and the higher power, please please help me succeed in this endeavor. I'm going to take it one day at a time, let's see..

What to write??? Travel it is

Just as I'm wondering what to post today, a colleague of mine asks where I travelled to  over the Christmas-new year break. I replied that I was at home. There was an immediate surprise element and a few more repetition of the same question: " really you didn't go anywhere??" Nejama sir, I stayed put at home. Next interrogation was where all I have traveled to. This will be the topic for today..Now where all I have traveled to, but my opinions on travel.

I used to want to travel a lot, see the world when I was in my early twenties (well, I'm sure getting older now).As years went by, the intensity of the desire did come down, but yes, the desire was still there..Fast forward to now, I'm not craving travel and seeing places as much as I used to is my current mental state. This can change in due course getting me back to where I was, but for now, travel is not on my top priority list. After we came to the UK, a few started suggesting where all I can go during what seasons (even without my asking) and after a year, when we didn't do the tick-mark of the usual European places, the conversation went to : so, you have not even seen Italy/[insert any country,place]. 

Well, people, not all of the human race has the desire to travel just like you do. And more importantly, people do undergo phases and they may be in a phase where travel may not be on their priority. So, there is nothing to be condescending when you get to know someone is not as well traveled as you are. 

Going,seeing places/people definitely widens one's perspective, but what of those who don't have the opportunity to travel. What of those who have time and energy to make only ends meet. So, let's stop judging people based on anything for that matter..And you, you, even if you judge me, I don't care..I have a blog where I can write/vent :-) :-)

Onto some AAA stuff..

Ajju loves AAA batteries since they are quite smaller and she can quietly sneak it in her mouth and bite us when we try to remove it from her mouth..

AA batteries come a close second and they are used to mimic cigarettes for her( sathiyama,enga veetula yaarum pugai pidikala)..

The moment she puts any non-ergonomic stuff in her mouth,she will keep her lips so tightly closed :-) 

But,present her any edible stuff, not a single piece or morsel gets the bagyam to entering her highness' mouth.

We have sleep songs, starting from twinkle twinkle little star when she was an infant to the recent pachai mayil vahanane..She shakes her body as if dancing, even when she's going to sleep. 

When we adults laugh out loud for something, she also strata laughing giving an expression that she also wants to join in the merry :-)

When either her dad or momma casually puts their arm around the other, she will spot it and waste no time in coming to us, remove the said arm and sit exactly in between us !! Who taught her all this??

Happy New Year 2017

Happy new year to everyone I know and to those I will get to know this year :-) And happy new year,blog. I keep taking a resolution every year to write more, just that I haven't kept up that so far. This year, I'm making the same resolution, starting with trying to do a decent job at this blogathon.

I'm a person who makes resolutions regardless of the occasion. Whether I keep them up or not is a post for another day. Well, this year, what are my resolutions?

  - Be better : at parenting,at work, at keeping stress at bay, at ignoring people what others say or think about me, keeping in touch with people,at using my time effectively.

How was 2016?  Well, most part of the year was spent with our little Ajju, .Spent on changing nappies, getting her to sit in car seat/pram, getting her to eat and sleep. All these may look to be normal in the daily routine of an infant/toddler, but we create a scene and do drama for all of these. They are all still work in progress..

I hardly (should read: never) had any time or spent any time on grooming myself or reading a book. Always used to go out in the clothes that I was in at the moment. Didn't read beyond 3 pages(so embarrassing to even mention this). But, did watch quite a few movies and caught up with some few Pakistani dramas and some ITV shows. Would like to change some of these this year for the better.

Dishyum Dishyum

Among many fantasy inspired thoughts I had, one of it was that when a couple welcome a baby, they also welcome a even stronger relationship between them which has very less fights and misunderstandings ..Thanks to all the dialogues in movies and soaps , this thought only strengthened within me. When S and I used to fight earlier, I used to convince myself and even vocalize to S that once we have a baby, we may have very less tiffs.

Ajju graces our lives and home. Now, we seem to fight more. Well, read as : I seem to fight more with S than earlier. I lose patience with him more easily, spurt out unnecessary words, pick up a fight for silly stuff , have disagreements on some of the aspects of his parenting and what not..

Not sure if I'm the only one on this boat or is it normal? Inspite of the fact that I keep taking a oath to myself that from today, from tomorrow, from now on I need to be very nice to S but I have been failing in actions many a times these days(:

With the list of things to do at home, with baby, at work, I dont seem to find enough time to even internalize it , feel guilty and come out with a stronger resolve. I dont know why I fight so much. S being the sweetheart that he is, has been very understanding and being quite adjusting, forgiving and forgetting. But, I cant test his patience right.
I have read elsewhere that women tend to forget (well, put husband in backseat) their husbands when a baby arrives, atleast in the initial few years. Now, I'm realizing what they meant by it and I'm also one of them. But, I want to come out of it., soon, now. Along with this blogathon, I'm going to try and be nice to S(read: dont start a fight) one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time and make it a habit forever. Please wish me in this endeavor.  Universe, please conspire and help both of us feel better.

Prayer

I read post by Uma on Prayer (umsreflections.wordpress.com) . That triggered a whole of thoughts ..That inspite of being a Hindu by birth, I was more into reciting Christian prayers and I knew many hymns and songs by-heart. All thanks to the Christian convent that schooled me. It became so much that at one point people on our neighborhood started fearing if our school was into conversion. (It was just not me, many , rather most in our school were trained into all of this).

If its MoralScience class, then its stories from Bible and in 9th and 10th class, it was the Holy Bible itself. If it was the Lent , then it means Way to the Cross on Fridays thereby bunking a aprt of Biology class that is always scheduled after lunch (and getting scoldings from the Bio teacher who was against the nuns and their practices: a story for another day). before the board exams of 10th class, then, every class must pray for a particular student who is chosen by lots of the respective class leader. When our class was in 10th Std, then it means, being assigned to one or two nuns in the hostel who keep praying for us.

Prayers were always there in the morning, and in those classes where the teacher was a christian or a nun, then, there was prayer before those classes as well. I remember some of the prayers, some of them the first few lines. But one of them that I hope to remember always is : Our Father in heaven..
Once , I remember being told that if this prayer is recited 7 times, then whatever you have lost will be gotten back. In those young minds, it got registered so deeply that when we lose a pen or a pencil or a rubber , we would recite this one if we wanted it back.

I wonder how to introduce the concept of prayer to Ajju. Will she automatically get it if I pray daily in front of the altar? Do schools these days teach the concept of praying? I'll get to know all of this in due course. I keep saying at home "Aandava, enga ellaraiyum kapathu pa". This is the one prayer that I voice out every now and then. Not sure how this statement got stuck with me, whenever I take Ajju near the God's place in our home, I say this little prayer.

Welcome back

to myself :) :)

I have always thought if you are a parent, then there is lots more to blog about, the parenting happiness and struggles, the decision making, pics of all the antis that the little one does, ranting , to record everything and anything..Little did I realize then that yes, definitely there are indeed many many things to blog about but how would we do that when one is always pressed for time..

But from now on (hopefully I keep it up, this time) I will try and put in words if not all, some of all the ramblings that goes in my mind as blog posts.

When I was in the trying-to-conceive bandwagon, I started shunning myself from social gatherings/outings..When the topic of team outing would come up, I would be mute most of the times and out of necessity ,sometimes I would just play along..Given a choice, I would back out. I turned into this person who became asocial, not looking forward to attending an invite that came by..I used to think then that once I have a baby, I would turn around and enthusiastically participate in social gatherings. I would say that yes, I'm now mingling more (compared to earlier), accepting invites and attending them ..On one level deeper thought, yes, I'm engaging myself only if there is a NEED to. say, when I have to engage the little one , so that little one gets fresh air if I take her to the park, Ajju gets social interaction if I take her to the birthday party invite..You can see that its all because of Ajju. Even then, only if there is a need. Otherwise, I don't step out of my comfort zone. Like how I delayed going to meet an aged friend of ours for a full 10 days after she invited us. like how I didn't go for the Diwali invite from our neighbor .

And when Ajju is not in the pic, I'm the same old self, wouldn't budge..Why all of this coming upnow? I didn't go for the team outing yesterday. I wanted to go, but  when the time came to get ready, I wasn't too keen..I gave myself all sort of lame reasons to not go. I didn't find even one good reason that motivated me to go. Now, when everyone says that they had a good time, I feel that I should have gone and missed it. Why am I not motivated to participate in social events? Is this my original personality? I dont know ..I used to be a social butterfly at school and in our neighborhood. But in college, I mellowed down a bit ..And became asocial as the years passed by ..

I want to change a bit in this aspect..I'm not looking to be the enthu pot that some people are, however, being this anti social is also not good. next time, when an invitation comes in, I'm hoping I can participate in it with interest. Lets see.