Saturday, January 8, 2011

Episode 3

This time, as soon as the home pregnancy test came positive, I informed my manager that I wanted to take off from work, probably do a work from home. the manager, being a wonderful person that he is, simply didnt ask any question and agreed.! It was organnisations' annual celebration event and I decided to take off the day after the event was over.

This time, my mom compelled me to talk to my gynaec Dr.G at my parents place (who did the cehck curettege) and get her advice. Dr.G asked me to take a beta HCG test and if the value is more than 5, asked me to contact her again. Without checking beta-HCG, I called her up the next day and told her that the test was positive(after repeated HPT), and she advised me to take a low dose aspirin, progesterone along with folic acid.  Now, the devil part of mine comes into picture and I googled about effects of taking aspirin and I got doubtful as to whether to take aspirin or not. During this time, the gynaec whom I was consulting in B'lore (Dr.N) was sick herslef and wouldnt consult or attend any phone calls. So, I was left with no other option but to consult Dr.G. I regret to this day for the phone callI made to D.G asking her how safe is aspirin for the baby. Dr.G got pissed off (obviously , who wouldnt get pissed when a patient queries the Dr, more than querying, doubting the prescription given by Dr?) and replied back that she prescribed the medicine is generally prescribed for people with repeated miscarriages and there has been no medical evidence that it causes problems to the baby. Since she was highly frustrated, she also said that I need not take the tablet if I have some doubts and later dont complain that something happened because of this medicine. I did call up the Dr and my mom called her up too to apologise. But, I think the mistake was already done! Little did I know at time that I was going to be rewarded for hurting a good Doctor, a well wisher , that too..

On the day of the official event, myself along with two other ladies were supposed to pool in to a cab to be dropped back to our respective homes after the evnt. Among the two, one was very doubtful if she would join me or not and hence kept changing her mind every 15 minutes. She changed her decision so often in the day that before we left for the event, I commented that she was being very undecisive. (as if I'm a quick decision maker. Ask my husband, he knows how wavering I'm). Her facial expression changed on this comment and I recognised that too. There was no point in regretting , for the mistake was already done. Within myself , I debated whether I have to apologise to her or whether the comment I made was in the right tone . The inner voice kept telling that something was not proper , but I failed to recognise what that was. Anyways, during the evnt , I was an enthusiatic participant in the various games conducted and I did win a few games too. When I won a few games, I even thought if this was a good sign that things were going to be alright. Little did I know that God was playing real life games with me , while I was playing some funny games in the event!!

Dr.G had asked me to go for a ultrasound on the 45th day to check the heart beat, foetal pole etc and then report to her. In the meantime, I could get Dr.H also over the phone and she also asked me to the same tablets which Dr.G prescribed. But, on a second thought, she asked me to wait till the 42nd day for a scan and if heart beat was seen, then start taking aspirin and progesterone. By this time, I'd already started taking aspirin and progesterone and decided to continue. 

I kept the husband also in the loop(though he was not in favour of consulting many doctors) on my conversation with Dr.G and the medicines she prescribed. He was insistent that I tell these medicines to mil. I was hesitant and kept postponing informing her because logically I thought what was the necessity to tell her.She is not a doctor and she doesnt know what these medicines mean, and secondly, more importantly, I was shit scared of what she might comment (I've had experience of listening to negative comments, or probably, I took them in a pessimistic way, while the mil was so-called practical). anyways, after invoking prayers to all gods , i tols her and i dont remember what she replied..

Now, the count down to the scan date started. I was working from home on and off during this time and praying all possible Gods and Godesses. On one particular day, (remember it was Vaikunta Ekadasi day), i spotted a little. I relaxed, was on bed-rest and since I have already seen copious amounts of bleeding last 2 times when I was pregnant, this spotting didnt terrify me, rather I was happy that the spottingw as very less and prayed hard for it to stop, and stop, it did after a day or two with mild spotting.

The D-day arrived, went for a scan early in the morning. Sonologist says "I cant see anything in the uterus" and double/triple checks if the UPT was positive. Also says endometrium is thick. Tells that he would do a vaginal scan. By this time, all hell broke loose, the world seemed to swirl around, didnt know what to do and I refused to co-operate for the vaginal scan. Called up Dr.N , she asked me to take a beta -HCG test and even without having results of sonogram or beta-HCG, she declared that mat be, next time, I need to go a IUI or ART methods of reproduction. I simply wanted to D.I.E that evry instant. I didnt want to live. I very badly wanted the beta-HCG to come negative , I wanted to get out of this pregnancy cycle. I wanted to lead a normal life...I was wanting all these, but destiny had other plans. Came back home after the beta-HCG, stress levels were multiplying, refused to eat (who wanted to eat at this time?), created a drama, fought with the husband (all the three times, including this one, everytime before the baby passed out, the husband and I fought) , and went to collect the beta-HCG report in the evening. The value was awhooping 10000. Called up Dr.N, since she was not consulting, she asked me to rush to Dr.A . Called up Dr.A , but got the response that she was closing the clinic and asked us to come the next day. I had to raise my voice and tell her that it was an emergency and Dr.N has directed me to her. Dr.A aksed me to go in for vaginal ultrasound immediately and even then, I refused  to believe that the foetus could be in the tube. The ultrasound confirmed that the foetus with its heart beat was happily sitting in the right tube. Dr.A forced us to admit me in the emergency ward immediately, she claimed that if the tube bursts, the blood loss would be huge , pulse rate could drop and I would faint and fall ..All these were hapening when I had no N.O. pain at all, no discomfort whatsoever, I started bleeding in the doctors clinic, other  than the bleeding, I didnt have any pain or alarming signal. Dr.AR , even without looking into where the foetus is in the tube, without any second thought, said she might have to remove the tube, right after the sonography results came out. How could she decide she has to remove the tube, just because foetus was stuck there? I begged her to remove only the foetus, for which she asked me to get admitted first and then they would decide in the operation theatre. I screamed in the road leading to the Dr's clinic, called up Dr.G (who consults at my parents place), Dr.G asked me to check with the Dr if the foetus could be removed by using medications or injections. (She quoted some name of the injection, which I dont remember right now) . Dr.G took Dr.AR's phone number and spoke to her. Dr.G called me back and told her that they would first try removing the foetus alone and spare the tube.

Got admitted, (ironically, I was put in the same bed as the previous time , before wheeling in for the D&C) , there was this picture of Lord Krishna , happily smiling seeing the leelais that he is doing on me. I was numb, just told him to do whatever He wantes to do to me and that I believe only in Him and He is the one who has to take care of me. I was praying and talking to Him, but He didnt seem to listen and I'm not sure when His ears will open for my prayers. I was too tired to even cry. I repeated to the husband over and over asking him to tell the Dr to only remove the foetus and spare the tube.

I was wheeled into the operation theatre, last I knew was Dr AR telling my brief history to the aneasthetist before levaing me in an unconscious state. I was furious with the Dr, with the husband, with in-laws, with parents , with God, with the whole world, I just wanted the earth to suck me in then and there.

Baby 3, I dont know (and wil never knwo) why you had to come, and go so soon taking away a tube of mine. I would have been more happier if you were to take me along with you. Atleast then, I would have been with you. Anyways, thanks for coming to me and re-itreating the fact that I can get pregnant. Be happy wherever you are.

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