Book launch invite

I'm thrilled to receive an invite from the author (well, wife of the author, who dons many hats and juggles all of them very well) for his book launch : Amerikka Desi by Arunn Narasimhan.

If you can read Tamil, the preamble is here: http://www.ommachi.net/archives/5085

All chennai vaasis and those who are planning to be in Chennai on this date, do plan to attend the function. 

Art of making friends

My memories of how I made friends in nursery or primary school are very vague. In middle school, sometimes the girl sitting next to me and I became buddies, at one point, the girl who used to come in  the van became a buddy, after we got a landline telephone connection at home, the classmate with whom I kept talking over the phone almost everyday became a best friend. As I preached high school, the girls who  wished  good marks/rank for me became my besties. (In hindsight, to think that there were groups in the 10th and 12th std which comprised of one rank holder and a couple of supporters for that rank holder in each group appears very silly now. :-). At the same time, to know that I ,of all people, had a small group of classmates who realised,enjoyed when I scored good marks/rank makes me feel grateful.)
Fast forward to college,  4 years whiz zed past with many brief episodes with a handful of people which promised life long friendship but as we passed out from college and years passed by, only very few stood the test of  time.

Next , once I joined the corporate bandwagon, to be honest, I didn't make any extra effort to make/maintain friendships. Sometimes, whom I thought friends started talking ill on my back, sometimes, some of them whom I trusted did things which made me no longer trust them. So, I came to believe that it's very hard to find/make good friendships in the working atmosphere.

But, to break this idea, I was blessed with a friend when I switched jobs. Initially we started off as peers/competitors, who were trying to establish ourselves in the same team. But gradually somewhere the ice broke and we became the best of friends. The gender here did not matter. At that point, I was newly married and seeing us together many times raised eyebrows too. But I made this friendship known to my parents, husband and in-laws and felt very comfortable and happy in the friendship. This lasted only for about two years and when this friend left the company and moved cities/states, I cried not buckets, but so much that could fill a pond. At this point, we were 4 of us who used to lunch together, and slowly everyone left the company and I was left alone. When my friend was with me, I didn't make any effort to make any other friendships and so once he left and the rest of the lunch group left, I was left alone. By this time, a bigger lunch group was formed and I was too chicken to ask them if I would join them. And the desire to make any friendships also left me gradually and started mingling with everyone in the acquaintance mode. During the same time, my bestie from college was also getting married and moving countries, and by this time, I was too exhausted after bidding good-byes and was left with no energy to make new relationships. The husband and I were getting to know each other in our arranged marriage and with the extended family and work and the weight of having to let go of few people whom I was close with left me with no interest to make any new friendship.

Years passed, besties seemed to move forward with life with marriage and parenthood and here,I was suffering miscarriages and didn't know what was happening in my life and how to go about. Some of the besties frankly said they couldn't do anything about my situation but could lend their ears and shoulder, while some of them couldn't understand what was happening , nevertheless started spreading this deep personal loss and sympathising and in spite of knowing what was happening, kept repeatedly asking if there was a good news. Me being me, yes, the smartless idiot that I am became more of a  coward and rather than facing questions bravely, started becoming an introvert. The friendships fizzled. I was too chicken to face any questions of "how long have you been married" "kids??" , so tried to avoid situations/people who generally make this their first question when they meet anyone. All in all, I became an introvert and kept to myself and had a brief acquaintance kind of relationship in professional world and friends of all these years fizzled out too.

I switched jobs and now, I should say friends, just a couple of the, just happened. In fact, probably they were also in the same boat as me, wanting some company and we just hit it off. Among the two, one of them voluntarily made efforts to spend time, get to know me and most of all now judge me or pass any judgements. And how the other friendship with the second person turned out is a fodder for another post. 2 was a good enough number and 3 years flew. Now, I have mo clue how to make friends. Seriously, many times, I'm mostly the listener in the lunch group and have lost the art of making small talk or initiating conversation.

I do realise that making and maintaining friendships is a special art which I need to cultivate on. 

Where do I belong

Some people can share all personal/intricate details to those whom they know will announce to the whole wide world even if they dont want these details to be known to all and sundry

Some people can bitch on others back but in front of them, can talk so sweetly that the the listeners will get a rise in their sugar levels (literally)

Some people can talk to others as per others liking (their liking includes: using choo chweet for every statement) even if they dont want to hear such chweet talk

Some people can be so flexible with facts that they can change the facts as per whom they are conversing with

Some people would not share anything that happens in their life but after having a conversation with them, you will feel like you were silent and they were the one who was talking all the time and that they have shared so many details

Some people know whom to tell the truth/facts and to whom to hide the real fact but still fill in some information

Some people can answer questions thrown to them by making up quick answers on the fly which will be too far from the truth

I dont belong to any of the category above.

I belong to the class of people (hopefully I'm not the lone one out here in this group) who will just blurt out the facts and then later regret for having told whatever I said and wish if I could have used my sixth sense and just belonged to one of the groups above at least for that situation!. Sigh!

There is this colleague of mine who likes to extract information from me (My husband /in-laws himself have not asked for my detailed bio-data as much as this guy asked on my first day of work here) and inspite of knowing this, I'm just back from blurting out true answers to the questions he asked where I could have been smart enough and managed to provide work around answers. The questions were so damn trivial but why leak out information to all and sundry ,especially to such people who are not really interested to know but just ask to extract info. I need to grow up

Phoren story

A middle class family with the father being the sole bread-earner and mother tending to the children and the house, varied demands of the extended family, both the children of the house were encouraged to study well, take part in extra curricular and were provided well within the best of the abilities of their parents. Time rolled by , the children grew up, gathering life lesson and study lessons along the way. The elder one worked hard when it came to boards and with blessings from the Higher power, secured  admission into one of the best colleges in India and years rolled faster and in time, she graduated and got placed . Though the company where she got placed was not well known , the day-to-day job she had to do in the said company was something of her interest and her liking as well. Just when her project manager/leader were making plans of sending her abroad on a longer assignment, she announced her marriage plans and even without checking with her, the management assumed that she wouldn't be interested now that she was getting married, they took her off the list-of-people-to-be-sent-onsite.

Now, in the background, as early as within 6 months of being in the job, the "question" started coming from various quarters. Now, what is "the question"? In fact different flavors of this question are:  "US pogaliya? , foreign chance varaliya", eppo US poga pora" ? (Are you not going to he US? When is your foreign chance?)

The person whom these questions were posed is me and yes, even now, I'm still not sure if our society in general is  US/foreign obsessed or only the people whom I had to interact with or who were my acquaintances were so damn obsessed!

I cant blame all those people, for I lacked the maturity to handle this situation as well. I got so caught up with the people and these questions that I refused to use my own brain. I started taking all this quite seriously and in fact didnt disclose this to my parents as well, thinking they would be worried. In hindsight, I feel I should have shared this with them and asked their help to deal with the situation. I cannot control what others talk, but I could have checked my emotions and mental state. But, gradually, these questions along with friends informing that they are going to the US/UK/whichever foreign location started developing a strong desire within my mind. Questions in front of a crowd like "Unakku innum oru foreign chance um varalaiya" (Havent you not got a single chance to go abroad?) "Onnum illa, arrera la pass panna my <insert relative's chitappa's neice> has joined so and so company just last month and he went abroad last week. You passed out from a good college and still they have not sent you?" and "I think you should change your company when they don't send you abroad. What kind of a company is it when they don't send employees abroad in this day and age?" started hurting me so much that I started having second thoughts of continuing my employment in the company that I was working. Instead of just listening in one ear and passing out in another, at that age , I took these a bit too seriously. There was an opportunity for me to travel to Germany but that kept on getting postponed indefinitely and only when I quit the company and joined another one, I get a call from a person whom I had trained before I left to take over my role calls me and says that his flight tickets are booked. In this new place too, there were plans to travel and visa was done, but somehow the project start kept getting delayed for quite some time. The questions kept coming, now from my in-laws side of the family as well, as I got married in the mean time. But with a supportive husband who had just then returned after his stint from the US, I began to ignore and just let-go , though I wouldn't say the desire just flew away from my mind and heart.

Finally, the opportunity came and in the 7 weeks that I was in the US, I had a very good time. What with one team member being the official driver who took us to all places, another team member making sure to cook delicious dishes every single day and the third, my best friend who gave me company all through the stay! We were put up in a hotel where you need not lift a finger to do the dishes or the bed. A very elaborate English breakfast will be served and we tried various restaurants for lunch and dinner was home-cooked delicious food. Work was light, the purpose of the trip was mainly on getting trained and we went in summer. All in all, a pleasant experience. We went around quite a few places as well and my thirst was satiated :) .

After coming back, the questions stopped briefly only to start again. Now the questions were "Oh! its been long since you went, are they not sending you again? " "X's Y's niece went there once, now they have extended and its been 3 years since she came back, her stay is on and on getting extended. Didn't they extend yours?" and I can go on and on. But, now thankfully my brain started functioning and I developed some good sense within me to ignore or rather not take these questions into my head.

Years rolled by and now we got the opportunity to work and live in UK . After coming here, only when we started searching for a house to rent and moving into the house and trying to get into a routine here, we get to know of the practical issues that people face here. There is a general perception among us Indians (atleast among our parents generation and the grandparents generation) that all is well in the America or England. Well,I cant talk of America now as I've not really lived there. In the brief period I was there, I was in a hotel, with everything from morning till night duly taken care of . But, here, in the UK, when we are actually living, we face more or less a subset of issues that middle class Indians face. To record our experiences here they go : Houses do have plumbing issues. We faced a plumbing issue and to resolve it, at-least in India you can call up the plumber and request him or agree to pay him more if her comes and resolves the issue within the said time. But here, everything is in the hands of the letting agent /agent who takes care of the property. The houses that are taken care of by the owners directly are few and hence maintenance for majority of the houses are taken care by an agency. Now, agencies don't work beyond 5 PM or before 9 AM. Yes, they are also employees who have working hours and they stick to the working hours quite strictly. I tried calling them once at 4:55PM and was told that people were out for the day and I called up once at 5:01 PM and was answered by the answering machine. So, plumbing issues exist.

Next comes the electrical issues. If your heater in the house doesn't work, call up the agency who in turn will call up the electrician whom they are tied up with and again here, the electrician or the plumber also have working hours and they don't work beyond their stipulated working hours. And the best part is your issue will go into an appointment calendar and only when your appointment is fixed, will the plumber or the electrician will come over to even take a look at the issue that you are facing. And the same appointment system works for when the said technician has to come over to fix the issue.
We had issues with the toilet flush and it was working at times and at other times was not working. When we reported this to the agency , the agency said that they will send the plumber to check it out, but in case if the flush does work when the plumber tries to flush, then we will have to bear the cost of the plumber charges. And for the record, plumber's charges for one visit is a whooping 150 pounds. I had to go on at length with the letting agency to make her understand  our situation and when I'm saying that it does work sometimes, how can they charge us. Anyways, finally the issue got resolved. the crux is practical issues still do exist in developed countries(at least in the UK. I would like to hear/read about how such issues are dealt with in the America) and we seem to think all is fine in the west.
Best part is for a friend of ours, the letting agent denied them to install a dish or an antenna because that will mean drilling a hole in the wall/roof for installation. And they cannot watch TV without an antenna or a dish!

But, to look at the part of the glass that is half-full, the good roads, electricity, water supply are given here and roads are do damn clean and well maintained. No stray dogs, good road sense among citizens on a average, following rules in the road, pedestrians being given priority on the road, and no honking. I hear education is free for all (atleast till high school) .

Overall, all is not actually green when one lives abroad. Each place has its own pitfalls and some of the issues are quite common across the globe. Just the way its dealt with and the timeline its dealt with varies . I was expecting that if at all there is any issue, it gets resolved then and there or rather quite quickly without any follow-ups , but nope, not here. Especially with service providers also working only in their stipulated working hours , it only gets a bit more difficult. We tend to use (atleast I tried doing, the natural instincts dont go away that soon) our techniques like explaining them how serious the situation is, only to hear from the other end"I'm sorry, our working hours are untill 5 and we dont work on Saturdays and sundays. So, the earliest you will get any response is on Monday". Yes, with the flush not working,(wait: partially working) when you hear such a response, do we have many options to choose from :) ?

Need to record more of my perceptions/observations of living in a foreign country.

A few questions and some observations :1

-- Why is it that I feel home sick, look forward to go to parents place, be nice first two days and pick up a fight with Amma the third day? I dont want to fight, but end up pouting/arguing for some silly reason..Amma being Amma , inspite of all the natak that I do, makes poli, badam cake, apple-mango juice, gets me fresh sugarcane juice, nungu, straight of the field veggies just because I like them and is extreeemeely patient and kind and nice to all, especially to the evil me. Am I the only terrible soul on this planet to scold and fight with her mother?

-- Summer is too hot this year in Bangalore, many parts of Tamilnadu. What are we doing to our earth? Is this Nature's way to teach us a lesson, and when will we humans learn , will be ever take a hint and start being nice to Mother Earth?

-- I have read and hear many people say that they can sleep anywhere, irrespective of the surroundings. Little did I know that if sleep were to overcome me, I can also sleep under a aluminum roof in a mid-day hot sun with sweat flowing all over in a thinnai and not caring about people around.

-- What makes people throng to a place and and listen to all the pooja being done to the diety even if they have to sit close to one-another under the scorching sun with the sweat and sounds of one person rubbing on to the one sitting/standing next to you. Is it due to the power of Namasankeerthanam combined with the presiding Diety that makes one and all forget caste/creed demarcations and just be one in front of HIM atleast for sometime?

-- While in front of the Diety , the so called madi-aacharam Brahmins mingle with one and all, what prevents them from sitting next to a group of people who they think are lower in certain aspects than them (Talk of dirt in minds vs dirt in physical body) ?

-- Irrespective of whatever you give the maid, why is she  unhappy? Is it wrong to treat them equals and provide them with all that within your reach and limits while they go on a cribbing spree asking for gifts for every full moon and new moon?

-- On the same maid note, I need to vent out an incident which happened a few weeks ago. The maid went absconding without leave for few days and on the 5th day, I enquired the watchman if she has signed in the register and come for work today. He replied in the negative and I got a return call from the same watchman and he started asking me questions like how long have we employed this maid and commented how are we managing with her for she is known to take leave without informing and that she takes leave very very often and quotes all possible reasons which seem glaringly false. I just nodded in return and cut short the conversation. The maid makes an entry the next day and even before she takes a few steps inside the house, she asks for hot coffee (mentions that she has headache) and me being me, rushed in to open a new packet of milk and make sure I give her strong coffee (I doubt if I have been this diligent in giving coffee to my MIL so far(;) and ask her if she would like to have some toasted bread etc. Her headache is in my mind and I dont ask her reason for absence for she will go in to explanation mode and I did not want to hurt her by mentioning what the people in the apartment talk of her . After 10 mins, I enter the kitchen to empty the cooker which has beetroot in it and while she sips her coffee, she comments " Ungalukku Samaikave varadhu la" (You dont know to cook!!) . I didnt know what to tell her back. Needless to day, I was quite taken aback.  I thought to myself that all for me trying to be nice with her, I probably got a good response ! Phew! What makes people pass random comments like this? After gathering my thoughts I replied  " Samaika theriyamaya saapadarom?" and I cut short the conversation very quickly after this. Who on earth invented the idea of passing unsolicited comments to all and sundry , especially if the said comment(s) hurt others?

-- Do I alone belong to a family of people who talk only about people, yes, why is it that every time I speak to some relative, they want to know entire details of when I bath, what I'm doing now till where do I go and shop. I do agree that things like these make for good conversation etc, but why is it that people are so interested in knowing every little detail of whats happening in others life ? You wont believe if I say my aunt asked me if my sister got internship through college or through some reference. Even before she goes to her internship company, we get questions of if lunch will be served by the company and if its subsidized? Auntyji, do you want us to go and check on all these even before we join? And moreover, how does it matter to you auntyji? I know the answer: to go around and spread this tid-bit of an information to all those who have ears to hear. One suggestion for you and people like you : Please switch on the TV, especially any news channel. There are many more interesting stuff happening in the world!

-- Why is it the I get jitters on the day when MIL is going to return back after her vacation? My stress levels increase on this particular day, by checking if the kitchen is clean, if fridge is decently stocked, if the house is decently cleaned and plan for that day's bfast/lunch/dinner . I try to just relax and let it be, but I've not made considerable progress in this aspect yet.


More questions and observations in another post.

Thank you Varun ji!

 Yes,its you Varuna Bhagwan :-) thank you so much for your sudden,much much needed visit y'day in Bangalore.

There have been times when people have cribbed about you showering your blessings almost every day for close to 5 months..thee have been times when we would be all ready to go out,but there you will suddenly come out of the blue without any warning with the sun still shining bright. There have been times when we have cribbed about clothes not getting dry, unable to take a walk without an umbrella and have generally found you to be unpredictable..

Probably you wanted to teach us a lesson and bribed your cousin/brother (I'm poor in identifying your relations,ok.) and gave us harsh summers last few years. But this year, the heat was (is) so bad that it just gave jitters to even think of going out. And need not even mention the burns that I suffer around my mouth and the number of lotions that I've tried this time around to moisturize is greater than the sum total of all that I've used in many years..

Ok, let me stop now, for my intention is to offer my heartfelt Thanks to Varun ji..And Please, please let this be a start for this year and keep coming ,ok? if not everyday,atleast every alternate day :)

I wanted to sit in the balcony and keep staring and enjoying the "greenness" of the view this morning.But , thanks to husband's office which had scheduled an early meeting for him, but thankful that because of this reason I woke up early and enjoyed the view,so what if its for a short duration. The picture does no justice to the different  shades of nature's green, but it was too awesome this morning!

55er : Grass is always greener on the other side

Chella’s interview for the US job lasted 7 months and she thought universe was giving wings to  her desire of living abroad: which remained just a dream having married to Ganapathy immediately after graduation. All her excitement spiraled downwards when the offer letter came . Ganapathy wondered why Chella was sulking inspite of achieving her goal. 

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Manonmani longed whenever she saw pictures of friends posing in Disneyland,LasVegas,Hollywood studios or the gorgeous  trekking locations in the US. After 10 years, when she went to the US, she complained of not having maids , the biting cold in winters, child-care duties without a break and the need to be employed to live there!

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Both the above incidents based on real life scenarios encountered by two of of my colleagues. We long for something, but the happiness that we get from achieving the goal or the contentment that we derive when our dreams materialize seem to be so fleeting.