Art of making friends

My memories of how I made friends in nursery or primary school are very vague. In middle school, sometimes the girl sitting next to me and I became buddies, at one point, the girl who used to come in  the van became a buddy, after we got a landline telephone connection at home, the classmate with whom I kept talking over the phone almost everyday became a best friend. As I preached high school, the girls who  wished  good marks/rank for me became my besties. (In hindsight, to think that there were groups in the 10th and 12th std which comprised of one rank holder and a couple of supporters for that rank holder in each group appears very silly now. :-). At the same time, to know that I ,of all people, had a small group of classmates who realised,enjoyed when I scored good marks/rank makes me feel grateful.)
Fast forward to college,  4 years whiz zed past with many brief episodes with a handful of people which promised life long friendship but as we passed out from college and years passed by, only very few stood the test of  time.

Next , once I joined the corporate bandwagon, to be honest, I didn't make any extra effort to make/maintain friendships. Sometimes, whom I thought friends started talking ill on my back, sometimes, some of them whom I trusted did things which made me no longer trust them. So, I came to believe that it's very hard to find/make good friendships in the working atmosphere.

But, to break this idea, I was blessed with a friend when I switched jobs. Initially we started off as peers/competitors, who were trying to establish ourselves in the same team. But gradually somewhere the ice broke and we became the best of friends. The gender here did not matter. At that point, I was newly married and seeing us together many times raised eyebrows too. But I made this friendship known to my parents, husband and in-laws and felt very comfortable and happy in the friendship. This lasted only for about two years and when this friend left the company and moved cities/states, I cried not buckets, but so much that could fill a pond. At this point, we were 4 of us who used to lunch together, and slowly everyone left the company and I was left alone. When my friend was with me, I didn't make any effort to make any other friendships and so once he left and the rest of the lunch group left, I was left alone. By this time, a bigger lunch group was formed and I was too chicken to ask them if I would join them. And the desire to make any friendships also left me gradually and started mingling with everyone in the acquaintance mode. During the same time, my bestie from college was also getting married and moving countries, and by this time, I was too exhausted after bidding good-byes and was left with no energy to make new relationships. The husband and I were getting to know each other in our arranged marriage and with the extended family and work and the weight of having to let go of few people whom I was close with left me with no interest to make any new friendship.

Years passed, besties seemed to move forward with life with marriage and parenthood and here,I was suffering miscarriages and didn't know what was happening in my life and how to go about. Some of the besties frankly said they couldn't do anything about my situation but could lend their ears and shoulder, while some of them couldn't understand what was happening , nevertheless started spreading this deep personal loss and sympathising and in spite of knowing what was happening, kept repeatedly asking if there was a good news. Me being me, yes, the smartless idiot that I am became more of a  coward and rather than facing questions bravely, started becoming an introvert. The friendships fizzled. I was too chicken to face any questions of "how long have you been married" "kids??" , so tried to avoid situations/people who generally make this their first question when they meet anyone. All in all, I became an introvert and kept to myself and had a brief acquaintance kind of relationship in professional world and friends of all these years fizzled out too.

I switched jobs and now, I should say friends, just a couple of the, just happened. In fact, probably they were also in the same boat as me, wanting some company and we just hit it off. Among the two, one of them voluntarily made efforts to spend time, get to know me and most of all now judge me or pass any judgements. And how the other friendship with the second person turned out is a fodder for another post. 2 was a good enough number and 3 years flew. Now, I have mo clue how to make friends. Seriously, many times, I'm mostly the listener in the lunch group and have lost the art of making small talk or initiating conversation.

I do realise that making and maintaining friendships is a special art which I need to cultivate on. 

Some philosopy and how I experienced it today

I have heard Amma saying  "yaaruku inniki  enga bojanam potrukko anga than saapda mudiyum"..

Loosely translated as  " Wherever destiny has assigned you to eat today, only there you will dine".

I have been working from home off-late and y'day my previous lunch-buddies pinged me and asked if I could come to office today so that we can catch up during lunch. Excited by the idea of girls-only-gossip-meeting and to have a change of working monotonously ,I jumped in and replied a "Yes" and was in fact looking forward to it. 

This morning, I prepared breakfast and half-lunch ( read: vegetable) and even ate the veggies during bfast as I had plans of lunching out with my friends. 

Clock turns 9:30 : Having bfast catching up with news and logging to PC and checking mails

Clock turns 10: mentally thinking that I will get ready by 11 and reach office by 12 

At 10:30: Engrossed in mails, to-do list and forget to book tickets for Appa who had called in the morning to remind me

At 11:00AM : Remember to book tickets and do the booking, while pinging lunch-buddy telling her tat I would be a bit late but will be there by 1PM.

At 11:30: Lunch buddy calls and says se has a meeting at 2 and will need to prepare for that so will not be able to spend much time today, instead asks if we can meet up tomorrow. I say yes and now searching for some other lunch partner so that I can go out and have outside food .

At 12:00 noon: Colleague calls and I ask if he will join me for lunch. He is neither enthusiastic nor in denying., but says calendar is packed with meetings, hence may not be able to spend time with me. After a while,(probably sensing my disappointment) says he will not attend the meeting which is scheduled immediately after lunch time so that he can spend some time with me.

At 12:30:  I go to the balcony and sense the heat of  the summer sun and decide to lock myself up in the house and not venture out.

At 1:00 PM:  decide to have a bath and later  lunch at home .

So, all the while when I have heard the statement that Amma makes, I have nodded my head and thought I understood the same. But, today, I experienced it and it sunk in well. 

This is nothing new. There are different situations and contexts where the underlying concept will apply. We can only do what we can..Not everything is in our control, right, when it comes to as simple thing as a planning a lunch meeting.

To work or not

Spoke with one of my friends after a looong time and we took the opportunity to update each other. Since the two of us are sailing different boats, but on the same lake towards the same destination,, when we voiced out our concerns, fears, opinions, emotions buried under our so called happy faces, it felt as if we were having a conversation with our own mirror image.. Yes, it was not surprising to find the similar thoughts that goes on in our minds, still surprising that we were able to voice it out.Probably, we have grown so tired keeping thinks to ourselves. Since it was a weekday and we couldn’t continue our banter for a long time being at work place, we had to cut short. We have been planning to meet up (our residences are 5 kms apart!)  for the last 2 years and still haven’t found the time to do it.  That’s my other goal in the next 2 months. Fix up a time and meet up, else days, weeks, months will roll by and we will always have some reason to postpone.

This friend of mine , H and I have been considering quitting our respective jobs and taking a break for quite some time now, but have always been ambivalent about the same . This time, she tells me that she has decided to quit and have already submitted papers at work place. Now, this has got me thinking ,(this has been in my thoughts for a long time, but now, the thought has only popped to the front and the thinking has become more intense) on the same lines. I’m unable to reach a conclusion, as always.

One part of me wants to try it out , that’s is, take a break from work so that I can be relieved of the stress that comes from travelling to and fro to the work place ,relieved of the hassles due to work itself and the politics at work. Mom suggests that by being at home , I could take care of my health better and the relative stress free environment will do good to me. While I’m very much OK with this, the other part of me is not sure if staying at home all day, for weeks together will keep me sane. As in, I will tend to keep thinking about only one thing (as such, I’m obsessed single mindedly about only one thing for the last few years now), which will in turn spoil my mental health. This part argues that atleast the routine of going to work will keep me occupied .

I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been in this cross roads for a long time and now, I would like to take a decision and be at peace with it.Every now and then, this thought pops up, whether I should continue to work or quit and take a break. The better half is very much open to the idea of quitting job but has left the decision making part to me. I do not know what to do. On one side, I would like to try it out, as this is one of the things that I haven’t tried yet. On the other hand, I dread being at home at a stretch , waiting for a miracle to happen. With nothing to do,(other than cooking and surfing and reading), I might tend to get more depressed. The day I find that I’ve conceived, I’m going to stop going to work, but till then, what is it that I need to do? My gynaec suggests that I don’t stress myself, but she doesn’t prevent me from going to work. She says it’s a call that I have to take. Does any of you know if staying at home is suggested by doctors for conceiving ? Does it really help? I know people have these doubts of whether to continue to work or give up after they have their babies. I’m here, not sure what is the right thing to do even while ttc. Suggestions are welcome.

A Friend in a need..

is a freind indeed..

This age old saying hold true even today and it will hold true for many many light years to come.
It requires a seperate post to tell how our friendship was formed and how I was quite reluctant to be friends with B and how B continues to extend his unfilching support at all times to me inspite of me ignoring him.
                   

                                                   


B, I'm glad that we are friends..The flood gates opened today when B and I went for a tea break and I count my blessings for having an awesome well wisher in you. It feels good to know that I'm cared for inspite of the grinding routines that you have. It feels good to talk all the jumbled thoughts that criss-cross every second in the mind..It definitely feels good when someone echoes my thoughts, and it feels double good when I hear an idea/suggestion/opinion different from mine so that I get to open my mind and receive it and ponder about it..(Otherwise, if it doesnt come from anyone,  I keep thinking that the decision that I make is the right and best one). It is quite a blessing when someone patiently listens to all that I want to vent out and try to boost my faith and fill me with optimism. Thank you B ,I'm sure all our prayeers are going to be answered very soon.